Honey

Why I Call Him Honey

 An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.  She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.  The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

 While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

 The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

Interview for a sexyterry ....

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position. He asked
the
same question to each one of them.

Boss: "A woman normally has
lips on 2 different places. What's the
difference between the
two?"

First Girl: "One is hairy, the other isn't !"
Boss       : "Ok ... good
!"

Second Girl: "One can talk but the other can't !"
Boss           : "That's
better !"

Third Girl: "One is vertical & the other is horizontal
!"
Boss         : "Hmmm ... clever !"

Last Girl: "One is for my use & the
other is for my Boss !"
Boss       : "You are hired

Keep your fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
>>>>
>>>>She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

>>>>Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly  remembered something very important to her.

>>>>'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly..

>>>>'What's that?', came the Pastor's

reply.

>>>>'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'

>>>>The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
>>>>
>>>>'That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.

>>>>'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.

>>>>The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that  when the dishes of the main course were being cleared,  someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your  fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie, something wonderful, and with substance!'

>>>>So, I just want people to see

me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ...the best is yet to come.'

>>>>The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

>>>>At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket  and  they  saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.

>>>>During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

>>>>He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.  Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.  They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.  Cherish the time you have,and the memories you share.  Being friends with someone is not an opportunity, but a sweet responsibility.

>>>>Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND...and I'll bet this will be an e-mail they do remember, every time they pick up a fork!

>>>>And just remember...keep your fork!    The BEST is yet to come!

Senior Citizen Jokes

　

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
>>"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and
>>I can't figure out how to get started."
>>
>>Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
>>
>>The little silver haired lady says, "According to the
>>picture on the box, it's a rooster."
>>
>>Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>>
>>She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
>>spread all over the table.
>>
>>He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
>>then turns to her and says,
>>
>>"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
>>able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
>>
>>He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to
>>relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep
>>sigh ............
>>
>>
>>(scroll down)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Husbands are husbands

>
>A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the

head with a frying pan.

>'What was that for?' the man asked.

>The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny

on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

.
>The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the nameof the horse I beton' the wife apologized and went on with thehousework..>Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on thehead with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

>Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
>Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

Too old to squat

　

>>>TOO OLD TO SQUAT
>>>
>>>An elderly man really took care of his body.
>>>He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>So he decided to do something about that.
>>>
>>>He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along.
>>>Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand,
>>>the lady with the cane began to move the penis
>>>around with her cane.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Remarking to the other little old lady, she said:
>>>"There really is no justice in the world."
>>>
>>>The other little old lady asked:
>>>
>>>"What do you mean by that?"
>>>
>>>The first little old lady replied:
>>>
>>>
>>>"Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it."
>>>"When I was 30, I enjoyed it."
>>>"When I was 40, I asked for it."
>>>"When I was 50, I paid for it."
>>>
>>>"When I was 60, I prayed for it."
>>>"When I was 70, I forgot about it."
>>>"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."

phiilosopher's jokes

>>>>
>>>>By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
>>>>Socrates
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
>>>>Subject:  Philosopher's Comments on Wives....

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>David Bissonette
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Sacha Guitry
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Anonymous
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The great question. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Dumas
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
>>>>
>>>>Sigmund Freud
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Anonymous
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
>>>>
>>>>Sam Kinison
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
>>>>The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>James Holt McGavra
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
>>>>1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
>>>>2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Patrick Murra
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
>>>>
>>>>Nash
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>You know what I did before I married?
>>>>Anything I wanted to.
>>>>
>>>>Anonymous
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
>>>>Then we met.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Henny Youngman
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
>>>>
>>>>Rodney Dangerfield
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
>>>>They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
>>>>
>>>>Anonymous
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
>>>>Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'