I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
And why's everyone so quiet,
So sombre - give me a clue."
"Hush, child,"He said, "they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you."
JUDGE NOT.
Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in your garage makes you a car .
Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE
Monday, November 29, 2010
A Malaysian joke
A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks: "What do they do here?".
He is told : "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the American, English, Singapore, French as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register, then goes to the canteen for teh-tarik..."
He is told : "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the American, English, Singapore, French as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register, then goes to the canteen for teh-tarik..."
Your horse called you ....
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'
Your duck is dead
Your Duck is Dead!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1000!" she cried, "$1000 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.... If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1000."
.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1000!" she cried, "$1000 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.... If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1000."
.
Nice poem from Husband to Wife
Nice poems written by wife to husband
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
--------------------------
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
----------------------
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
----------------------------
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful.
Why doesn't it rain on you?
-----------------------
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like U should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
--------------------------
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
----------------------
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
----------------------------
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful.
Why doesn't it rain on you?
-----------------------
Roses are red, Violets are blue
Monkeys like U should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.
Memo from HR
Subject: Fw: Memo from the HR Department
To All Employees
Effective January 2010
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
1.If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holidays
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is not an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
1. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open and your picture will be taken.
2. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
3. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to the company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Management
To All Employees
Effective January 2010
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
1.If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holidays
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is not an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
1. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open and your picture will be taken.
2. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
3. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to the company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Management
The Irish prostitute
The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff,....Dad.....I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"
"OK, Dad-- As ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, Girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
Sex during pregnancy
Sex during pregnancy
The doctor replies, "Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal,
A man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?"the next three months you should do it like a dog,
and the last three months you should do it like tiger."
The man replies, "Tiger?"
The doctor explains, "Tiger Woods. Sleep with other women!"
Friday, November 26, 2010
Horror joke
Subject: Fw: Horror at Karak - Chilling Real story!!!
This is real scary man!
Be careful when we go on our outstation trips – you never know what is out there and for heaven’s sake be alert and act smart.
Horror at Old Bentong KL road - Chilling Real story!!!
This happened about a month ago near Karak. A guy was driving from KL to Kuantan and decided not to take the Karak Highway as he wanted to see the scenery along the old road. The inevitable happens and when he reached the hills his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town. It soon got dark and started to rain very heavily. And pretty soon he got wet and was shivering. The night rolled on and no car passed by.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It slowed and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opened the door and jumps in, glad to be out of the wet and cold. Seated in the back, he leaned forward to thank the person who had saved him. He realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!!
Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He was still in shock, when just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the steering wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town.
He stumbles into a kopi tiam, and asks for a drink, and breaks down. Then he starts talking about the horrible experience he's just been through.
There is dead silence in the kopi tiam when he finished relating his experience ..... . . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......and that's when Santa and Banta Singh walk in. Santa points and says 'Look Banta - that's the idiot who got into our car when we were pushing it.'
***********************************************************************
This is real scary man!
Be careful when we go on our outstation trips – you never know what is out there and for heaven’s sake be alert and act smart.
Horror at Old Bentong KL road - Chilling Real story!!!
This happened about a month ago near Karak. A guy was driving from KL to Kuantan and decided not to take the Karak Highway as he wanted to see the scenery along the old road. The inevitable happens and when he reached the hills his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he started walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest town. It soon got dark and started to rain very heavily. And pretty soon he got wet and was shivering. The night rolled on and no car passed by.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It slowed and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opened the door and jumps in, glad to be out of the wet and cold. Seated in the back, he leaned forward to thank the person who had saved him. He realizes there is nobody behind the wheel!!!
Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He was still in shock, when just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the steering wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town.
He stumbles into a kopi tiam, and asks for a drink, and breaks down. Then he starts talking about the horrible experience he's just been through.
There is dead silence in the kopi tiam when he finished relating his experience ..... . . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......and that's when Santa and Banta Singh walk in. Santa points and says 'Look Banta - that's the idiot who got into our car when we were pushing it.'
***********************************************************************
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Marriage humour
Why divorce?
· In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge.
· She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
· The judge asked, "How do you know?"
· She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
Love Your Enemy
· From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
· "Samy! But he is your enemy!"
· "Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Wedding Ring
· At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
· The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Why?
· "Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
· "Why, Dad? Tell me why!"
· Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
Same Service
· A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
Talk about Husband
One woman told another: " My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Love To Do
· A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
· "I would love to. "Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
No Answer Back
· A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
· One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
· The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Come Home Late
· A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
· "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
· "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"
· The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
Problem Father
· "You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
· He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
· "But that's wonderful," I said.
· "What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
· In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge.
· She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
· The judge asked, "How do you know?"
· She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
Love Your Enemy
· From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
· "Samy! But he is your enemy!"
· "Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Wedding Ring
· At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
· The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Why?
· "Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
· "Why, Dad? Tell me why!"
· Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
Same Service
· A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
Talk about Husband
One woman told another: " My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Love To Do
· A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
· "I would love to. "Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
No Answer Back
· A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
· One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
· The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
Come Home Late
· A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
· "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
· "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"
· The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
Problem Father
· "You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
· He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
· "But that's wonderful," I said.
· "What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
Welcome Greetings
Hope to start this blog to brighten up someone's life in its unique way. This blog will be for all kind of jokes whether it is a naughty sex joke or silly jokes. Just wanna dedicate this blog to my lovely daughter, May, who is forever cheerful and lively.
"There was these three person who happens to bump into a Gennie and the Gennie give each one a wish. Before they jump into the swimming pool, each can make a wish and the wish will come true.
The first one ran and before he jump , he wish for beer and the water in the pool turn into beer and he had a wonderful time drinking beer and get high;
The second one ran and before he jump into the pool, he hope for red wine and so be it , the water turn into red wine;
The third one ran and he slip before he fell into the pool and he shouted shit. So , be it .....his wish came true as well'.
Poor man
"There was these three person who happens to bump into a Gennie and the Gennie give each one a wish. Before they jump into the swimming pool, each can make a wish and the wish will come true.
The first one ran and before he jump , he wish for beer and the water in the pool turn into beer and he had a wonderful time drinking beer and get high;
The second one ran and before he jump into the pool, he hope for red wine and so be it , the water turn into red wine;
The third one ran and he slip before he fell into the pool and he shouted shit. So , be it .....his wish came true as well'.
Poor man
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